Make that FOUR

Well, a LOT has changed since my last post. My little baby boy is now growing up, and quickly. We just celebrated Joshua's 3rd Birthday... and the Blue's Clues days are over. Spiderman and superheroes are the new era as you can see from the picture from the party.

Another little blessing is on his way, and our family is just bursting with excitement. Another little prince as it would be... just as Joshua has promised us from the day he found out. Joshua cannot wait to meet his "best friend" and brother, Caleb. (The name Caleb was a no brainer. We've had the name picked out since we named Joshua. Joshua and Caleb: two brave soldiers of God in the Bible who walked side by side together; how perfect is that?! Middle is TBA) This pregnancy is just flying by, too. I remember when I was pregnant with Joshua: I didn't know what to expect from day to day, and I spent long hours reading about what's normal, what's not, what's going to happen next week, next month, and just "what ifs and what nows" that left me more clueless. With this one, I stay so busy with work and Joshua and forget what week I'm on some days, and there are moments (particularly at work) when I altogether forget I'm pregnant. That is, until a little special someone gives me a friendly nudge to remind me. I'm still nervous when I take the time to think about this lil turkey who will be somewhere around Thanksgiving this fall....

I cannot for the life of me see how my heart is capable of loving another as much as I do my Joshua. My whole being loves that little boy. It's really unexplainable to describe just how smitten I am with my first born. He's truly my life- or the reason for it, anyway.

What will happen when the 2nd one comes? I'm assuming my heart will just double in size...

The most reassuring words I've heard came from a friend of mine who has two little ones just 2 years apart in age. She said, "I was the same way. I think everyone is, but most are afraid to admit it. When my husband and I stared down at my brand new little girl, I looked at him and asked him, "Do you love her as much as you do ____?" He said, "No. I love her, but not as much yet. And neither do you. But that's just because we've gotten to know ____, and we've grown to love his ways, and love all of him." My friend looked at me and said, "Darlene, I'm going to tell you what. He was right. It took a few months, and then my gosh, I just love that little girl with my all. I love them both so very much. Exactly the same amount... more than anything in the world."

I just cannot wait to fall in love with this little guy. What a blessing to experience this phenomenal love once, much less twice!

Learn a little, Love a lot

Wow, it's been so long since my last post. And yet... not a lot has changed. I've gone back to work as a RN at the hospital dealing with crises every day, and Joshua manages to brighten every single day, and is constantly teaching me how to live. Everything is so different, so new, so magical in a child's eyes. I feel like I've been handed an opportunity to live anew, to see things and experience them all over with the thrill of the first time through Joshua. Right and wrong with no in between, no gray, are becoming clearer again. Sharing is always right, and hurting someone is ALWAYS bad. Name-calling is ALWAYS wrong. Helping is ALWAYS right. Apologies fix everything, and there's no wrong that can't be righted with a hug, a kiss, and a "I sawwy." If only everyone had the common sense to learn from their children!

We're one of Those People Now?

"Naaaaah," We said together. I giggled.

"What so funny?" my husband asked, with that little wrinkle between his eyebrows that only appears when he's confused.

"We both agreed to say no to yet another invitation to go out. Our poor, estranged friends. I feel bad, but it's funny what our alternative is." I smiled.

"Yeah," he agreed, "it's not like we're tired, or have something we need to do that..."

"We do," I interrupted him as I looked down at the baby I held in my arms. He flashed a two-tooth grin as if he knew I was talking about him." My husband smiled too, leaning in to kiss the top of his blonde head, then paying my lips the same favor on his way back up.

"They understand, you know." He said, almost sighing, like he was worried that I was feeling guilty and trying to hide it.

"What do they understand? That we are completely self-absorbed and out of touch with the world?" I frowned, upset at how true that statement really was.

"No, that we are just two 60 year olds in their 20's." He smiled that same sly smile that I carry with me, have carried since the day we met.

I laughed. And laughed some more. Joshua wiggled excitedly in my arms, and began laughing too- thinking it was some sort of game, I'm sure.

"So we're one of those people now?" I smiled because I liked the sound of it, knowing the only person I would ever, could ever, grow old with was the one I was facing now.

"No," he said quickly. "We're two of those people now." He leaned in to kiss me again, and Joshua reached up, grabbed a handful of my hair and tugged.

We laughed our Saturday night away. At home.

Everyday Miracles

It's happened. Officially. I cannot for the life of me remember what my life was like before Joshua. I know how absurd this sounds since he hasn't even reached his third month of life yet, but I assure you it has happened. I realized that tonight when I heard him let out a little whimper while we were visiting his great-grandparents. Not even giving it a thought, I pulled him into my arms and began unbuttoning his little jumper, because it was clear to me that he was starting to get a little warm. Joshua let out a lil sigh of relief and turned his sweet lil face toward mine and smiled. My dad, sat across the room, nodding in disbelief. "What?" I asked. He replied, "You are a mother in every sense of the word." It was the sweetest compliment I have ever received in my life. I know in a lot of ways he was saying it to himself, or rather trying to convince himself that it had really happened and that he had not imagined it. Lord knows I wasn't like that before him. Not in the least bit. I was self-centered, synical, and unbelievably impatient. Joshua was of course, not planned, and when I found out that I was indeed going to welcome a son into the world at the age of 21, I wasn't sure if I could be a good mother, or even an acceptable mother at all. And now, with each day, I am more and more sure that there is no human on the face of the planet that is ever really ready to be a parent, definitely not a mother. There is no way any individual can prepare themself to take complete responsibility for another being. Thankfully, what we lack by nature, can be taught if we really open our hearts and pay attention... to our children. I know that Joshua has already taught me so much more than I could ever imagine to teach to him. His sweet little face is innocence in human form. When he reaches for me, he reaches without hesitation, with complete and total trust and adoration. He laughs at the most unusual things, but as I look a second time I remember a time when I wasn't too busy to notice such "normal" things. And finally, when he cries, I know he cries because he needs me, hopelessly needs me, and as I soothe him, I smile because I know I need him just as much.